So you recently discovered that your partner is autistic. Maybe you've only been together a short while, and they just disclosed being autistic with you. Or perhaps, you've been together for years, and they were just diagnosed or have self-identified as autistic. Either way, it can be a process to learn how to best care for and support your partner, as well as processing the thoughts and emotions that are attached to that label. Many of us have been shown stereotypical or harmful depictions of autism in media, so it can be difficult to understand that this label also fits for your partner. But autism isn't a dirty word; it's a wonderful piece of information that allows you to know, support, and care for your partner in even greater ways.
Work Through Your Own Emotions
You may feel the need to process your emotions about the label with your partner, but this can be very overwhelming for them. They may also still be processing what this means for them and are likely more sensitive to anything that feels like criticism or judgement. You should definitely ask them questions about their experience to learn about it and understand them better, but any "negative" emotions or feelings that could cause harm to the person or relationship should be processed privately, perhaps in your own therapy. Therapy can be a space where you can express any frustrations, disappointments, and come to terms with what this means for you to have an autistic partner. Processing this with your partner could make them feel like a burden, which may encourage them to mask more around you. Be honest if it's a lot for you to process, and then go process it yourself.
Educate Yourself
It isn't your partner's job to educate you about autism. Of course, only they know their specific needs, but there is so much general information about autism that can be learned on your own. It can be exhausting for people to have to explain themselves and their needs over and over again. Chances are the your partner already has a bunch of great resources, so ask if there's any books, podcasts, or social media accounts that they enjoy. Not only will this help you learn more about autism, it will help you connect more with your partner.
Understand that they Experience the World Differently
Studies show that autistic folks take in more information than allistic (non-autistic) folks. This is why we can become overstimulated easily and often need to stim to self-soothe. For example, most of us hear everything (even electricity) and cannot tune background noise out. It takes conscious effort to try to tune out background noise and focus on the conversation, and even then, we might miss parts of the conversation because we are focusing so hard on focusing. We need more supports to be able to do things that neurotypical people can do instinctively. Your partner might rely on earplugs, noise-cancelling headphones, stim toys, and other things to help them. Trust that they know themselves best. Autism in an invisible disability, but it is still disabling, even when it doesn't look like it. So encourage your partner to utilize the supports that they need. They may feel ashamed of needing supports, so you normalizing their support needs can be incredibly helpful.
Don't Treat Meltdowns like Tantrums
Chances are your partner was told to "not throw a temper tantrum" when they were actually experiencing a meltdown. Meltdowns are a normal experience of autistic people, and acting like they are throwing a tantrum is incredibly infantilizing. Once your partner has entered into a meltdown, they often have little control over their body; they are NOT doing this to manipulate you to get what they want. Meltdowns happen when autistic folks become very overstimulated or frustrated; therefore, it can happen from sensory overload or from a frustration of not being able to communicate effectively (which is why they can happen during arguments). Oftentimes, they just need space to self-regulate, so let them do what they need to care for themselves.
Keep in Mind that Autism is a Spectrum
It can be easy to try to compare your partner to any other autistic folks that you know, but autism is a wide spectrum. As they say, when you know one autistic person, you know one autistic person. There can be a lot of variation in where people have support needs. For instance, some people may be sensory seekers, while others are sensory avoiders. Some people could be non-speaking, while others are hyper-verbal. Many struggles can also be less obvious due to masking. For example, just because someone doesn't seem to have communication issues doesn't mean they don't; they may be spending copious amounts of time thinking about social scripts in order to communicate the "right" way.
Learn Spoon Theory
Spoon Theory is commonly used for neurodivergent folks to express their energy levels and how much energy tasks take. Tasks that may seem like they take no energy could take a lot of energy for a neurodivergent person. This can help you understand why your partner may not be able to do this simple task you've asked them to do in the evening. Spoon Theory can help the two of you communicate about energy and executive dysfunction in a way that is light and reduces shame because the problem is the lack of spoons, not the request or either person.
Lean into Autistic Joy
Part of experiencing the world differently is also the joy that autistic folks experience. They tend to experience intense joy in the smallest of moments. Of course, you might see this when they are able to talk about their current special interest with someone who wants to hear about it. You may also commonly see it when they get to see animals. But autistic joy comes from things that can seem small, mundane, or even odd. For example, you'll see my joy come out when I'm around bodies of water, see mini versions of something, see midcentury furniture and pottery, or feel a texture I love. A good pour-over that lights up my taste buds will bring me such an intense joy that I'll be beaming for hours. Autistics tend to feel deeply; the lows can be low, but the highs are highs. Your autistic partner can help you embrace the joy that comes from stillness, little moments, and the things you love that the world deems as childish.
Conclusion
Autistic brains are simply different. You can learn so much from your partner about joy, contentment, justice, critical thinking, curiosity, and more, but autism is also a disability. Your partner will need support in certain areas, and the more supported they feel, the more they will be able to live authentically and create a life that actually works for them. Acceptance is the best thing you can do for them. Some days or seasons, they may need more support than others, and that's okay. This world is not designed for neurodivergent brains, and that makes life incredibly difficult. However, the problem is not our brains, but the lack of accommodations and supports for people who live and experience the world differently.
Discovering your partner is autistic can be a difficult process for many due to the stigmas, stereotypes, and uncertainty of what it means. Processing your thoughts and feelings around this new knowledge, as well as learning how to communicate together effectively, can build greater connection in your relationship. If you're needing support in those areas, individual or couples therapy with therapists who specialize in neurodivergence can be a great resource!
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