Were you considered the "good girl" growing up? Maybe you got great grades and never got into any trouble. You stayed home on weekends and didn't get into any of the things your peers were getting into. Perhaps, you still feel a rebellious spirit in you that has never quite been released because you've never let yourself be "rebellious". You've always known that this act isn't quite you, yet you believe it is the only way to be cared for and loved. However, day after day, you feel more disconnected from yourself because no one seems to really know you, see you, and care for you in the ways you need. Maybe it feels really lonely, or you worry about the people you will lose if you actually speak your mind or dip your toes into some of that rebellious energy. Whatever the feelings are, you continue meeting expectations, doing what you "should" do.
Although most women in society are pressured to behave a certain way, good girl syndrome impacts some more than others. Women who were raised in traditional or religious homes, who were the oldest daughter and cared for their younger siblings, or who are naturally more quiet and reserved can be more likely to struggle with feeling like they always have to be perfect and do the "right" thing. Oftentimes, this was encouraged in them; they were rewarded for being good, not rocking the boat, and doing exactly what was expected of them. Their emotional needs were likely ignored because they seemed to have it all together, so internally, the girl learned that those needs didn't matter.
Now, you may identify with some of these struggles, but maybe you never considered yourself the "good girl". Perhaps, you identify as a perfectionist or people-pleaser. We rarely identify as the "good girl" because that comes with connotations we perhaps don't want attached to us; it means that we did what we were told and expected to do, and honestly, who wants to be known for that?
Here are some signs that you might be struggling with Good Girl Syndrome:
You feel like your needs are never being met. Perhaps you are resentful of the people who you have done so much for, but who seem to not even notice that you are struggling and need support. You may not even know how to ask for what you need because you've learned somewhere along the road that your needs don't matter.
You are having physical symptoms that look similar to anxiety: muscle tension, chest tightness, tiredness, or digestive issues.
Your brain is constantly running. It's like a million tabs are open, and they cannot be closed. You are constantly worrying about what other people need, what you have to do, and making sure that you do everything perfectly. You don't even remember the last time you rested, and maybe, you don't think you're allowed to rest because that would be selfish. Your inner thoughts might be mean and tell you that nothing you do is ever good enough; you will never be enough.
You are burning out. Your energy levels are running low. Maybe you are becoming more irritable and resentful.
You rarely express what you actually think and feel because you "can't rock the boat." You might worry that everyone will judge you if you say anything, so you say nothing at all. It might feel easier to say nothing than lose everyone, but the result is you losing yourself.
You aren't living in alignment with yourself. You aren't doing things you enjoy, taking the risks you want to take, or living the life you want to live. Maybe some of the things you want to do aren't the "right" or "smart" choice, so you never let yourself do it. The risk of always making the "smart" moves is that you might become unhappy with your life and constantly wish something drastic would happen to force you to take a new direction.
The biggest risk of Good Girl Syndrome is losing yourself. When we are constantly denying our needs, desires, and dreams, we end up feeling unhappy, lonely, and dissatisfied with where our lives ended up. We may end up travelling very far down a path that we never even wanted to be on, whether that be a career, relationship, or anything else. Just because something seems like the "right" decision objectively doesn't mean it's the right decision for you. Sometimes, authenticity begins by simply admitting that we want something different, and we go from there.
If this resonates with you and you are looking for support in living more authentically, growing in self-acceptance and self-empowerment, and making some life changes, therapy can be a great place to start. 🫶🏻
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