Long-term relationships can be difficult, yet also so rewarding. We feel so comfortable with our partner and trust that they are here for us no matter what. Sometimes, we believe so strongly that they will always be there that our relationship starts to stagnate because we have stopped putting in intentional effort. Maybe we were busy or going through a tough time in life, and we trusted everything would work out, but we started to drift apart. We know the ins and outs of the relationship, have great routines, and are great partners or co-parents, but the emotional, and maybe also physical, spark has faded. This phenomenon is often called "Roommate Syndrome" and is a common issue for couples and one of the most common reasons couples come to therapy.
The feeling of being more like roommates than lovers can manifest in various ways. Physical intimacy could have become less frequent, making couples feel more like friends than romantic partners. There could be emotional distance where couples stop discussing their feelings and connecting with each other; this can also reveal a communication breakdown where meaningful conversations have now simply become discussions about household duties and the kids. Overall, the feeling of being roommates tends to come from couples falling into routines and no longer feeling the excitement and spontaneity that used to exist in their relationship.
What causes "Roommate Syndrome"?
There are many possible causes of roommate syndrome, and oftentimes, they are unintentional. Life gets busy and the relationship is put on the back burner. This could be because of busy jobs, raising children, or tending to extended family members. At first, we might put less energy into our intimate relationship because we trust that they will still be here when the busyness ends. Unfortunately, it is much harder to get out of the roommate phase than it is to get into it. The more distance that shows up in your relationship, the harder it is to close the gap and reconnect.
Signs of "Roommate Syndrome":
Feeling more like roommates or co-parents than romantic partners
Not spending quality time together one-on-one
Emotional disconnection
You only talk about household duties, social obligations, and/or the children
Feeling lonely in the relationship, perhaps longing for "how things used to be"
Decrease in desire for sexual intimacy
You avoid conflict with each other
You are often angry at each other or feel resentful of your partner or the relationship itself
Neither of you prioritize the other person in your life
There's love for each other, but not care and intimacy
How to Break Out of the Roommate Phase
It can be difficult to get out of the roommate phase, but it is very possible. However, it takes intentional effort. Relationships require time and energy, and it can be difficult to change up your routines in order to prioritize your relationship again. But, without this, relationships can get stuck in roommate syndrome for a very long time; this is the only way out.
Here are some ways to prioritize your relationship again so that your relationship can become more enjoyable and fulfilling:
1. Decide to Make a Change
This is easier said than done. Changing these relationship patterns takes time, energy, and a lot of effort. If you both want a change, and commit to it, it can happen! But you have to decide to put in the work, and this often means that some other things might need to be put off in order that your can focus on your relationship.
This is a great time to begin couples therapy to seek support in making a change and restoring your romantic relationship.
2. Remind Yourself About What You Like About Your Partner
What attracted you to your partner? What are the things that they do that you appreciate? Think about the things you've enjoyed doing together in the past or reminisce by looking through old photos or mementos that you've held on to. Then, try to notice these qualities in your partner and express them to your partner.
3. Schedule in Quality Time Together
Add date nights to the schedule. Whether you go out or stay in, plan time together where you can connect and not have to worry about any other responsibilities (ideally). If you have young kids, try to get a babysitter so that you are able to start spending some time one-on-one. Maybe take a trip together (without the kids) to focus on your bond; this could be anything from an international trip to a cabin an hour away. Quality time doesn't always need to be big gestures; find things within your budget that build connection between the two of you. It can be as simple as chatting over morning coffee.
I often recommend couples schedule in a weekly check-in to ask each other how they feel about the relationship, discuss issues/conflicts that arose throughout the week, plan dates, and discuss any household duties that need to be divvied up.
4. Be Spontaneous!
One of the biggest reasons couples get into the roommate phase is that they got stuck in a routine. Shake things up! You know each other well and know what your partner would like. Bring them a coffee or treat they like on your way home from work. Give them hugs and kisses throughout the day. Tell them why you love them and what you appreciate about them. Book a getaway, spa date, dinner reservation, tickets to a show, etc. The caveat is that you don't want to go all out or plan something that you'd enjoy more than them. You know them. Surprise them with something that you know they would actually appreciate.
5. Make Time for Your Partner
This goes beyond the scheduled times. Maybe your partner came home from work stressed, and they want to talk about it. Break out of your routine to meet your partner's needs when they need you. So much intimacy comes from the little moments. If you notice your partner is sad, ask them if they'd like to talk. Spend time before bed chatting about your day. Learn you and your partner's love languages so that you can have a roadmap to care for them in ways that make them feel loved. Making time isn't just about having the time for them, it's about communicating through actions and words that you will be there for them when they need you. Express your care for them. If you don't have time in that moment, communicate that you want to listen to them and can come sit with them at a specific time.
Re-engaging in a romantic relationship after you've reached a roommate phase can be difficult, but it is very possible to revitalize your relationship. Remember that the smallest gestures are by far the most important. Expressing interest, kindness, and care can be some of biggest gestures because they restore emotional intimacy and encourage open, vulnerable conversation.
You and your partner are gonna mess up; it's just going to happen. They might try something that utterly fails, but rather than be annoyed (which will push them away), try to remember that it's awkward to rebuild your romantic relationship, and they are trying. If you've been in the roommate phase for a while, you may not really know who each of you are now. Try the Gottman Card Decks app to help you ask questions that build intimacy and connection. And overall, try to be patient with each other and yourselves. Revitalizing your romantic relationship takes time, but it's possible when you keep putting in the work.
If you're considering couples therapy to support you during this time, book a free consultation to see if we'd be a good fit.
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